I Put Up...

A good front
A good smile and wink
A approachable face
Coversation that will make you think
That im fine
about the whole situation...
Frustrating
Debating
Im waiting
Contemplating
When I want you to know
How it make me feel
As oppose to being fake
Because I can hide my emotions
All too well
Yes, I've been here before...
I go back to this emotionless place of comfort
For a number of reasons
Firstly, because I can
Secondly, because I want to
Thirdly, because I like to be in control
Of all my emotions
in very situation
I have a funny way of reassuring myself
That you can't upset me
To the point where you can measure how sensitve
I put up...
With bullshit
Broken promises
Lies
Lack of loyalty
And wear a disguise
Like everything is fine
My eyese would tell a different story
if you just looked
you dont even notice
not a glimpse
or take the hint
That I put up...
A front
A facade
A false hope that it will be okay
And slowly put away
A portrait
A photo
A memory
anything that reminds me of what we will never be
Because it doesnt matter if i react
or retract
or act
put up
or put away
pull forward
or push thru...
you
and I
Are, and always have been
Through

A lot of people come to mind when I wrote this (20 minutes ago). Not just men, but relatives, old friends. I really have a shield that only I hold. Behind it is where I put my emotions for safe keeping-I know its dangerous to approach life that way but I do...

Hi

There is something about this guy that makes me stop what im doing (like what i was doin b4 i started this poem)
and just think about him (and only him)...
or us (and only us)...
its annoying (but i do it anyway)
I hope that I have the same affect on him as he does me (But i doubt it)
Because every time I see him (which isnt as often as i wish)
I want to take his hand (i like that his nails are clean)
and walk away from any and everyone else (they're distracting)
sit under a tree
and lay
alllllll damnnnnn dayyy
It would make my season brighter (im not sure if santa will do me proud this year)
This chip on my shoulder lighter (its heavy as shit)
if he would just...
lay with me
talk (about politics or nothin at all)
eat grapes (green ones)
and fall asleep
with me (and only me)
today (like right now)...
but its not going to happen
Because Im too afraid
to push harder
Never in a rush to feel rejected
Neglected
disrespected
So i will continue to act like Im unaffected
When we walk past each other
and just say Hi

I realized over the Thankstaking holiday that my family is quite dysfunctional..im not bothered by it. I find it rather interesting...
I saw Precious over the weekend...it was the first movie that made me shed a tear..it was sad. People who have color complexes are sad, people who change their eye color are sad, people who perm and wear weave because they want to look mainstream or white are sad. People have become scientific implants-brest, butt, lips, et cetera. They are pathetic to me, and I genuinely feel bad for them....it drove me to write this:

Dear Black Girl

First things first, if you wanna make it as an entertainer, in corporate America, or even as a house wife, there are a few things that you have to do. You absolutely positively make sure your breast are at least a size D, preferably a DD; and you gotta have the ass to match. Your butt has to fat not flabby but fat. Like Lola Love, Melissa Ford, Beyonce, FAT! This may require you to exercise more or get the butt implant that white girls get. Either way, figure it out. Now thats rule number one. Number two - no matter what, you gotta wear high heels, at least like 5 inches. You need to start now, I dont care if you are 10, or 11, whatever...START NOW. You might as well get some calf implants while youre at it and make sure you have nice legs. They cant be flabby and they cant be quarterback strong, they gotta be Rihanna legs. And since you got nice legs and stilettos, you hve to show your legs. Dress like a stripper where ever you go - to the supermarket, interview, gast station, where ever. Then, long as youre dressing like a stripper, you gotta act like one from time to time. Be stereotypical! All publicity is good publicity, so go ahead and act like a ho at all cost! This may require you to walk outside butt naked one day, or kiss other girls, do splitso n the red carpet at the Soul Train Awards...DO IT! Also, you gotta be light skinned. You absolutely gotta be light. If you aint light skinned, you aint gonna make it. It you darker than a brown paper bag, you better start usin that shit that Sammy Sosa uses! Oh yea and you have to have longgggggggggggg weave. It can be straight or curly but it BETTA NOT BE NAPPY. Dont even think about being natural either. If it dont come from a horses ass, then you wont make it. After you COMPLETELY change your appearance to the point where you even your parents recognize you, then you should get start to get soem endorsements - Double Mint gun, Mountain Dew, if youre lucky, Eastern Moters Insurance Company. Maybe afterwards you'll be invited to 106 and Park and thennnn maybe you can focus on your career...good luck

My confessions

Im indecisive, and I hate it.

When Im insecure, I tend to change my hair (cut it all off, grow an afro, get braids, now locs)

I make false promises to myself and keep ones that I make to other people.

My worst fears: the lost of a loved one, marrying a downlow brother, STDs, being unsucessful

I try to live up to my standards as well as other peoples
I yern for the things that I do have

I believe that I will be apart of that 64% of black women who never get married, it scares me

I know I should go to church more

I have several defense mechanisms

I have a tough exterior but am sensitive as a nerve

trust me, it sounds worse than it is. Despite it all, I am happy... but yea thats all I got for now

First impressions

Soooo Im at work...bored. Waitin to leave. Come on 2:00!!!
Whats funny is when you first meet someone and you like them a whole lot-but you barely know them. You ever met someone and you are just like yea...this person is it. They say all the right jokes, they're attractive, seem uncomplicated, this person just seems perfect at first glace. Then you have just oneeeeeeee phone conversation and you like yea...THIS PERSON IS IT lol. You may talk for hours and still barely know them. Its okay tho, cuz at face value, they are on point. And you think about them alllll day and embellish on their positive characteristics; think about the conversations yall have had, add words and just tell yourself that this person is on point. Its like you feed into who they COULD be...then one day, you realize reality and you be like yea...this person is HUMAN. Its a sad day.
I've realized something today...I reside in a fantasy world. I live in freakin La La Land. I give people the benefit of the doubt more than most, I leave A LOTTTTTTT of room for error, i dont acknowledge the bad aspects of folks or myself. I have a lot to work on....its not that I cant, its just really hard for me to handle the truth. Its soo hard for me to accept people for who they truly are instead of who I want them to be or who I know they could be.

My mind is in the clouds, I write it all down...
D

Break Bread

Its Thanksgiving time children, time to break bread
Prepare your hearts for the blessing of the food while we as a people continue to wait to be fed.
We sit bed ridden, doped up on meds.
Yes at a table of all the finest dishes we are in a hospital bed.
HIV/AIDS skinny, with flu like symptoms
More than the common cold, yes we are the victims
Injected with an illness that cant yet be described
So we pop prescriptions so we can keep breathin but most of us aint really alive.
Drink ourselves to sleep and throw it up in ya toilet the next morning,
Drug each other with no concern, pick at old wounds when new new ones are formin.
Murder our brothers keeper and bleach our skin cream to the point where we are invisible... nah somethin just aint right.
So we gon keep on eatin our hospital food all thanksgiving day and all night
Waitin to get cured
We digest what they give us til we cant stomach it no more...
yes children we are the epitome of a plan gone wrong
And to them our cries for help sound like a hip hop song
We have struggled continuously, loved effortlessly, and have endure pain
At the end of the day children, we have done nothing but sustained
Hundred of thousands murdered with shots to the head
Insensitive to crime, some of us are already dead
Others are in bed
Or sleepwalking with no direction at all
We walk the straight line for the pigs and are arrested when we fall
Drowning in mass confusion somewhere in the Atlantic others have drifted off with Katrina.
And we STILL waitin for the government to help us but how we know Obama aint gonna be like FEMA.
The souls of our parents' parents are still burning in churches and hanging on trees
Its true- my children, if we hate our roots then we gotta hate the leaves.
Roots being our ancestors, the African bootyscratchers and the leaves being you
So we take off our head wraps and want to look cool
Modern day fool
Lets sit back and count up what we've been thru
Decades of continuous rape and many moments of deceit
Blood from our head dripping drippin onto our feet.
Oh yes its Thanksgiving, time for a feast!
They prepare their laps with napkins and shake hands with their fellow beast.
At our expense they continue to rise,
Eat healthy, be merry they survive and we die.
Capitalism is controversial when our community is not longer alive.
We aint like them, we dont eat off the same plate
They arrive to the big house on time and we are still late
Our food is cold...and until we get out of this hospital we will remain underfed
Underappreciated
Underthebus
And under the destruction of their meds
If youre hungry
Go out into the plantation, steal whats yours and get fed

Her name is november

As it seems, you only get to be in a happy relationship during 2 extreme seasons- during the months of summer (summer love) and during the winter (winter bun time). People cuddle up when its extremely cold and when its extremely hot. In fall and spring, youre on your own, maybe because those are seasons of complete transition, limbo. Or maybe it just seems this way...
I've come to the conclusion that what I have wanted, time and time again, in all of the relationships that I have become involved in, is to not just think it but to know that I am relevant...taken into consideration...of some kind of importance...I need to feel special. Is that too much to ask?? Ironically, I end up being the person, who goes above and beyond. I give what I want and never receive....soo really, am I the problem??

I dont know..

Pain

I feel like I just took a bullet. Just know that when it hits you, the emotional pain becomes physical, and then you are just that much more immuned to the feeling of being hurt....

Up goes the shield....

Recent observations

I've been observing people a lot lately. Starting with myself...I think Im kinda interesting. In some instances, I dont speak unless spoken to and then in other instances Im the most vocal. Or I can be a complete fool at times, making anyone laugh and other times I can be completely removed from interaction with other people. Maybe its the Gemini in me but I cant make up my mind, Im all over the place. I am a jack of all trades, not completely efficient in any one thing but can adapt very well to any enviroment or circumstance. I want to be a lot of things...im wildly unstable right now and I desperately want to be in a stable, comfortable place...I love love and despise it at the same time. When it flies out of the window, I care, but I dont typically stretch my neck out to see where it went....

The following is a list that I gathered when it comes to other people:

• If we take no pride in being African and no pride in being American how can we ever take pride in being African American??
• If justice was a person, she woulda have died a long time ago
• Breath, Stretch, Shake and LET IT GO
• There is only one acceptable thing to do when there is a lot on your plate...eat quicker
• Lots of stinky people fake the funk
• Catapillers dont resist their transition into butterflies...why should people?
• On facebook, everyone is a superstar...they make themselves more intersting then they really are. Is your live really that specticular, my guess is no
• The hilltop is becoming more similar to BET
• I am not just as many things as I am
  
• It is very important, in every situation, for you to keep your head tilted, back straight and keep one foot in front of the other

Random..i kno.

If I ever did a wanted Ad..

Gemini (born on the very last day of the sign so Im boarderline cancer)
Twenty-one and a half
I've been told that I'm cool. Whatever.
Enjoys ice cream, big earrings, soul food, movies and head wraps
Opinionated, determined, and loving

I'm looking for a gentleman who looks handsome and is goal oriented, yes ambitious. He needs to be easy on the eyes and outgoing. He should value family, and should always be loyal. He should not be a scrub, instead, he should have a legitimate job. He should know how to drive. Hopefully, wont mind tickling me, and going out of his way to make me smile. I like to be held. He should fully understand his role as a black man- by that i mean, able and willing to provide, give sound advice, be protective, loyal and discipline. Education is important. But he has to know that graduating from college with a little piece of paper does not mean that you are educated, instead he is continuously trying to better himself. I want someone who reads...yea. I listen to Erykah Badu, please have an appreciation for Neo-Soul and R&B. In short, Im looking for people who are assets, not liabilities

I dont want much...right

Recollection

Life always amazes me. Im always "thrown for a loop". But Im most in awe at the minor details rather than the bigger picture. I get excited over the little things...like the first time a child calls my name (which happened yesterday. I was trying to get my friends 2 year old daughter to say Dana and point to me and she wouldnt do it, then while I was strapping her into her car seat, she said it) or the first time I hold a new baby. I get fascinated by the first butterfly that I see in the spring time and the amber color of the leaves in the fall. My world is full of minor details that I focus in on....I am most in awe by memories. Like that of soap in my eyes while being washed up, getting zipped up to my neck, like having to sit at the dinner table and write my vocabulary words 5 times, write definitions and then write a sentence. I think one of the worst diseases is Alzheimer's. Not only because you dont remember people that you've know for years, but also because you cant remember the minor things in life that made your heart smile. For me, its little occurrence that happen along my day that pushes me to keep going. then I remember those little things when I feel like I cant make it any more. Yea the future is important but the past is VITAL. Thats why no matter what happens, I love life. Each day, each hour, each minute is a new opportunity to make more memories, and therefore more reasons to smile. Even if I loose a hour, a day or a moment, I can always rely on memories and then it hits me that I always have today therefore I have gained more time...

Its important

Its important...that at all times..I practice the following...

• patience
• peace
• inspiration
• love
• care
• tenderness
• humility
• gratitude
• stregnth
• knowledge
• weakness
• discipline
• growth
• inspired
• joy
• diligence
• trust

No matter how hard it gets..

FYI

I was never single because I was never good enough; rather I was single because none of you fuckers were good enough for me. Believe that when Im ready, stable and someone matches me, then it will happen the way it should.

Happy Wednesday!!!! :)

Weekend update

I had a really interesting weekend. Let me run it back proper....
Friday- 6:10 p.m. I went to go see Capitalism, A love story. It was very very good. Very liberal but very very good, in my opinion. I dont believe that Capitalism is fair. I actually believe that it is a major contributing force to the destruction of this "great" country. I feel bad for those of us who are STRUGGLING and WORKING sooo hard while trying to attain this so called American dream....the American dream is just that, a dream. Everyone has the power to make it their reality but those who want it the baddest often fall on their face. Its too bad. I dont have a rendition of the American Dream-I have my own dream that has nothing to do with America...to work in the non-profit sector for a organization that focuses on education or children. I want a husband and 3 kids, 2 boys and 1 girls. I want a house in a middle class neighborhood, 2 regular ass, good running, dont-eat-up gas, cars, and to go to sleep most nights feeling secure about my job, my family and myself. Its that simple. But back to Capitalism and this so called "Free Enterprise", I think its good in theory only and that we need to go back to the ways of our ancestors and focus more on uplifting our entire community together. If that means I gotta put more on my taxes so u can get better health care- so be it, cuz I know what its like to struggle....back to the date, we went to see Capitalism, walked to the Capital, talked, chow down on some Chipotle and went our separate ways. It made me happy. He was a gentleman, the food and movie were good, and the conversation was good. This has potential....i'll keep u updated.
Saturday=AIDS walk. No, I didnt have money to contribute but I walked for the cause.I heard they raised somethin like 800,000.00. Thats good, seeing as how I couldnt contribute. I sat up, worked on a paper and waited for someone who I considered a friend to give me my DVDS back...to no avail I got a call 4 hours after he was suppose to come over. He never came...at no point this weekend. I want my Goofy Movie and Skeloton Key Movie. Maybe next weekend.
Sunday- Feed the homeless and hungry. Made me feel good. I only fed like 30 but at least I know 30 ppl were fed. Feeding the hungry humbles you. Its a constant reminder of what you life could be...and I met up with a olddddddddddd friend. Im talkin Delaware State University old. He and I have liked each other for years lol but neither of us has ever bust a move. He is staying on P street, I live on O. He came to my house and watched football and tickled me. I was reminded that love could be right around the corner, literally :)